Slipping Into Fear
My relationship with God is the first thing that gets pushed out of my routine when I am getting ready to do something unhealthy. Although I never lose my relationship with God, when using drugs and alcohol I made sure to avoid church, prayer and those people in my life who would challenge me about my behaviors. Isn’t it interesting how selective we are about our relationships? Unfortunately, along with pushing God out, I leave the window open for fear to enter. Fear and faith cannot co-exist; and when I am operating in faith, I have no fear. But every once in a while, I fall back into thinking that I am worthless and that is when fear begins to ruin my life. I spend days contemplating what I need to change to get rid of this feeling. I begin to think about drinking alcohol to numb myself or taking an opiate for a few hours of relief. Isn’t it interesting that I turn to drugs and alcohol as a viable option to rid my fear rather than addressing the root of the issue? When that happens, I have stopped practicing faith. As Christians, we know that perfect love dispels fear, and that God is love. I have decided that I am a glutton for punishment. After I decide that I’m done beating myself up and that relapsing is not worth it, I can choose to look to God once again.